1. Stay Calm. Revealing abuse can produce
anxiety for your child Help ease the anxiety by responding
in a calm and supportive manner This may sound impossible,
but do your best
2. Take the Allegation Seriously.
Affirm your child's feelings The initial disclosure may
sometimes sound unconvincing as it may be filled with
hesitation, inconsistencies, and retractions. This does not
necessarily mean your child is not telling the truth.
Realize that to cope with the abuse, your child may have
used defense mechanisms which can sometimes lead tn blurry
or fragmented memories with minimal details. As your child
explains what happened, accept the allegation without
challenge. Put aside your feelings about the accused.
3. Listen to Your Child's Account of
What Happened. Encourage your child to tell you what
happened and how he or she feels. Listen without
interruption, blame, or judgment You may ask questions in a
supportive and open-ended way. For example, "Tell me more
about what happened next?" "Were there any other times that
this happened?"
4. Reinforce Your Child for Revealing
the Alleged Abuse "Some kids are afraid to tell for fear of
being blamed or causing problems. I am so proud of you for
telling me!" Your child may feel that he or she has done
something wrong by telling you. Affirm your child for coming
to you with such sensitive and important information.
5. Take Your Child to be Examined by a
Physician, preferably one who is skilled in the medical
examination of possible child sexual abuse. You may request
a referral from your family physician, a children's
hospital, or a hospital pediatric unit. Determining whether
or not to visit a physician is a judgment call. If your
child has described penetration of any kind, immediately
seek a physician's examination. The reasons for a medical
examination are twofold: (a) assessment of possible injury
and/or disease, and (b) medical evidence for legal purposes
if such action is taken.
6. Take Immediate Action to Ensure
Safety. Keeping your child away from the accused may require
that you remove your child from day care, avoid contact with
a family member, find a new babysitter, and so on. If the
accused is in your home, it may he necessary to request that
he or she leave. Do not leave your child unsupervised. You
do not have to cope with the situation alone. Outside
services are available to help you, such as:
- The National Child Abuse Hotline
(1-800-4-A-CHILD). This hotline will refer you to support
services in your area.
- Child Protective Services.
(Different titles for Child Protective Services are used
by different states. These titles are listed in the
telephone book under governmental listings.) This agency
will gather information and do an investigation. They can
help determine if the police need to be involved.
- A mental health worker from the
Child Protective Services agency, trained in the area of
sexual abuse, will typically offer counseling and support
for your child and others involved or may refer you to an
appropriate mental health professional.
- A women's shelter maybe available
to provide housing if you believe you and/or your child
are not safe.
7. Don't Blame Your Child. Clearly place
responsibility on the perpetrator. Reinforce that your child
did nothing to invite or deserve the abuse. "Whenever there
is sexual contact between an adult and a child, the child is
NEVER to blame - NO MATTER WHAT. You are not the only ore
that this has happened to, as many as l out of 4 girls and 1
out of 6 boys are sexually abused. We don't hear about it
because people are afraid to talk about it."
8. Don't Force Your Child to Confront
the Perpetrator. Confrontation could further traumatize your
child and offers nothing positive to the situation. For some
children confrontation may be beneficial at a later time
with the help of a therapist.
9. Be Available for Your Child. Don't
reject or withdraw from your child. Withdrawal sends the
message that your child did something "bad" and does not
deserve your love and attention or that you cannot cope with
the situation and therefore cannot help your child.
10. Listen. Tell your child you are
available to listen at any time and do it. Listen with
empathy and without judgment. Accept your child's feelings
without minimizing or negating them. Statements like "It
wasn't that bad" or "You don't really feel like that"
diminish your child's experience and makes your child again
feel that somehow he or she is "bad"or "wrong."
11. Respect Your Child's Privacy.
Don't pressure your child to keep repeating the story. Some
children need to tell the story often and others don't.
Being pressured to retell the story over and over may create
more trauma for your child Your child needs to know that you
are there to listen when he or she wants to talk about it.
12. Encourage Your Child to Express
Feelings. Common feelings are anger, confusion, guilt, fear,
betrayal (especially if the perpetrator is someone your
child trusted), and feeling "dirty." Remember, feelings can
be expressed not only through words but also through
drawing, artwork, play, music, writing, dancing, hitting a
ball, and so on.
13. Realize the Emotions Will be
Stronger if the Perpetrator is a Family Member.. The
feelings of anger, guilt, mistrust, and confusion will
likely be intensified when the perpetrator is a family
member. In addition, feelings of disbelief, betrayal, and
sadness may emerge. You must still protect your child no
matter how difficult it may be to confront the perpetrator.
If the perpetrator must leave or be removed from the home to
ensure your child's safety, you will need to be prepared for
the reactions of others. Some people will be understanding
and supportive, and others won't understand. You or your
child may be blamed for the situation. No matter what others
say, remind yourself and your child that you both did the
right thing in telling. You both did the responsible thing.
The blame lies with the perpetrator.
14. Understand and Support Your Child.
You may see age-regressive behaviors such as a return to
bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, nightmares, fears of the dark,
or fears of being alone. New behaviors may appear such as
your child becoming frightened of others who are similar to
tl perpetrator (a man with a moustache or one who smokes
cigars). These behaviors, including those listed in #12
above, are expressions of the trauma. Allow your child to
express the trauma in a safe, supportive environment.
15. Help Your Child Not to Feel
Damaged. Reinforce your child's innate goodness, worthiness,
and beauty. At every opportunity emphasize the positive
qualities of your child. You might even create opportunities
to do this (e.g., look into a mirror with the child and say,
"You know what I see when I look at you? I see a good and
beautiful child, both inside and out').
16. Seek Help/Support for Yourself You
may go through a grieving process for your child's loss of
innocence and childhood. The situation may bring up issues
of your own. You may feel distressed that you did not know
that the abuse was occurring. You may simply want help with
specific ways to facilitate the healing of your child, other
family members, and yourself. Professional mental health
providers can help and various books are available on the
subject such as When Your Child Has Been Molested by
Kathryn B. Hagans and Joyce Case; When the Bough Breaks
by Aphrodite Matsakis, Plif) (both books are helpful guides
for responding to and healing from the sexual abuse of your
child); How Long Does It Hurt? by Cynthia L. Mather
(this book is especially helpful for teenagers); and
Mothers of Incest Survivors by Janis Tyler Johnson (this
book details the experiences of mothers responding to the
incest of their child).
Sexual abuse is a
major life trauma. You are not the only one to whom this has
happened. Don't hesitate to reach out!
